Impotence

I don't have a different word to refer to my state of mind. I feel impotent towards some people's actions. Today, after three months of having resigned to my position as English teacher, I learnt about some negative comments that my former bosses have been spreading.

The school's owner out of ignorance, stupidity or who knows, gave the order of not calling me never again. Not even for one day.

After listening astonished to the person that was telling me this, I stayed in shock. For a micro second, I wanted to hit a pair of women. I couldn't believe that they were that bitchy. That pair of witches. I'm so stupid!

I'm so naive in terms of jobs, that I never thought about the truth behind their threats. One of them told me very serious that I should think what I was doing, that I would regret it in the future. I never thought that she would be as mean as to close another door for me. She knew me since I was 13! She knew me for more than half of my life! How could she!

I'm thinking about talking to the school's owner, but just talk to her. At this point, I don't want to discuss anything, I don't want a debate. They were criminals, they should be grateful that I resigned and never consider the possibility of making a bigger mess in the Education Secretariat.

Now I wonder why this is happening to me. Why is it that I have to deal with all this before I even get my degree? Why didn't they ignore me? Why do they keep on trying to destroy my image? Why is it that I'm so important for them? I've just chosen not to go on with their bad movements. I preferred stepping away, silently, without saying anything, just preserving my integrity.

Please, I need someone to explain their attitudes, so I can understand why is it that they are being so mean to me. Please God, give me the strength to keep on living as I live, without trading my values for a monthly payment, without gifting my possibility to keep on sleeping well, with a clean conscience and with the pride of knowing that I've never done anything wrong.

Good bye blog assignment

Last night my classmates and me received the great news of being relieved from completing our daily blog assignments. At that moment, I felt a huge happiness due to the fact that I had already fulfilled the minimum number of entries. However, when I got up today, and turned on my laptop while preparing breakfast as usual, a strong nostalgic feeling hit me.

After giving it some minutes of reflection, I discovered that even when the compulsory aspect disappeared, my inner need of writing didn't sink with it.

At this point, I'm in love with my blog. I have put so much of me on it, that I don't really know if I will be able to abandon it. I've spent long hours trying to change its layout, its template, the colours, music, etc and I'm not so sure about leaving it aside that easily.

Who knows, maybe I don't write daily entries, maybe I let it rest for a while, or maybe I keep on writing randomly...who knows...only time will tell.

At this moment, I have to thank my teacher for being so considerate with us by stop pressuring with this, but I also have to thank him because he woke in almost all of us that sleeping writer that lies within.

Last class was the kind of class that I enjoy. Even when my writing was a natural disaster, I felt really happy of being corrected. The relaxed way in which he conducted it, was exactly what I was talking about on my previous entries. I felt overwhelmed. I finally enjoyed my English Language IV class. I felt that I was learning significatively. I'm happy. I don't have much to say because happiness sums up my feelings at this moment.

Thank you C! Last night, maybe without noticing it, you have pulled down the huge iron wall that lied between us. I'll be grateful for ever.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!!

A curse

"That's the problem when you are a natural organizer, everyone tends to relax and wait until you have everything done." This was one of my teachers' reaction yesterday, when I told her about the anger and impotence I felt towards some people in our institute.
The thing is that since nobody was moving a finger about our graduation dinner, a pair of classmates and me started looking for a place. We spent almost the whole week coming and going from one place to the other, feeling helpless when someone answered "we don't have any available service until February," or "everything is already booked for November and December."
Frustration, that was the prevailing feeling among the three of us. Anyway, in the end, we found a pair of nice places. The real problem came when we had to discuss our findings with the students of the other teacher training careers. Last Friday, we walked through our institute corridors speaking about it, explaining which were the services and their respective pros and cons. One group answered that it was really expensive, the other that they didn't like the date, and the last ones, that they wouldn't participate in the dinner party. COME ON! ARE YOU KIDDING US?
My idea of consideration towards other people's work is to give an alternative when I say that I disagree. Disagreement without solutions is just a plain careless attitude.
By Monday, almost everyone agreed, but when I called to check if the date was still available, the person in charge of it, told me that fifteen minutes ago, someone had already paid for it. The only available dates were November 16th and late December.
No doubt, we were in a hurry. Thanks God, when I told everybody the news, they finally agreed on the necessity to decide at the moment. A group of us, including people from the three careers willing to participate went to talk with the person in charge of giving us the money for the booking...and we got it!
On Wednesday afternoon, while I was enjoying the view of Jujuy through my bedroom window, the girl who was in charge of booking called me and gave me the great news that we already had our place on November 16th.
My happiness was indescribable. Everything was on the go. We had a place to celebrate our four years of effort.
Anyway, in the end, I have to recognize that my horizon became clearer much sooner than I thought. After all, being a 'natural organizer' is not that bad...isn't it?

Out of your mind, not out of your body

http://www.economist.com/science/displaystory.cfm?story_id=9682520

Reading Report 30

Title: Out of your mind, not out of your body
Source: http://www.economist.com/science/displaystory.cfm?story_id=9682520
Date: Aug 23rd 2007

Vocabulary:
Rang out: sound loudly
Concur: To be of the same opinion; agree
Fodder: A consumable, often inferior item or resource that is in demand and usually abundant supply
Rambling: Lengthy and digressive
Dusky: Characterized by little or inadequate light; shadowy
Tenured: appointed for life and not subject to dismissal except for a grave crime
Gyrus: Any of the prominent, rounded, elevated convolutions on the surfaces of the cerebral hemispheres.
Prodded: An incitement; a stimulus
Vault: a strongroom or compartment (often made of steel) for safekeeping of valuables

Summary:
Scientists agreed on the fact that consciousness is a biological thing. According to their researches on the topic, a pair of scientists, have found that consciousness can be inducted by delivering a special amount of electricity to the body. Moreover, it can also be triggered by using virtual reality googles, by which the person being studied has a positive response. This response is measured by the amounts of sweating when they feel threatened in one way or another.


Personal Reaction:
Astral projection is mentioned here, but is not taken into account when they discuss the topic of consciousness. Anyway, I find it interesting to think about the possibility of being in many places at the same time. Not everybody I talk to in relation to this state of consciousness can say that they have had at some point some experience like this. However, there are a few, who agree with me in the fact of having felt at one point as id they were out of their bodies.
In my particular case, it has happened to me that one of my former students asked me why I hadn’t greet her in a restaurant where she was having lunch with her family, and when I answered that I wasn’t there, she started describing my clothes and my hair style. Everything matched with the look I had that day at that particular moment...but I wasn’t there. In my opinion, this is more related to astrology that to any other serious science, and at this point, I believe that we unconsciously ‘travel’ to some other place either when we are extremely sad, or when we feel threatened. This is done, as if our sub-consciousness would be running away in order to protect our soul. If this is true or not, I don’t know, but it’s interesting to learn that some studies are being done in order to explain some weird facts which can affect our daily lives.

Sex, shopping and thinking pink

http://www.economist.com/science/displaystory.cfm?story_id=9682588

Reading Report 29

Title: Sex, shopping and thinking pink
Source: http://www.economist.com/science/displaystory.cfm?story_id=9682588
Date: Aug 23rd 2007

Vocabulary:
Bargain: An agreement between parties fixing obligations that each promises to carry out.
Gathering: The collecting of food that grows wild, such as berries, roots, and grains
Merry: Full of high-spirited gaiety; jolly
Stalls: A booth, cubicle, or stand used by a vendor, as at a market
Deviation: Statistics The difference, especially the absolute difference, between one number in a set and the mean of the set
Hues: The property of colors by which they can be perceived as ranging from red through yellow, green, and blue, as determined by the dominant wavelength of the light
Binary: Characterized by or consisting of two parts or components; twofold
Pliable: Easily influenced, persuaded, or swayed; tractable

Summary:
Based on similar studies conducted by two different groups of researchers, it has been proved that women are better at remembering special places than men. These discoverings were based in both genders ancestral capacities to hunt and to gather food. When women are specially gifted about remembering food stalls, men are more practical in remembering the way to go to some place or another.

Personal Reaction:
It’s interesting to see how great scientists spend money and time, to say the least, in doing research about frugal things. Instead of being using the resources in finding the cure for a mass-killer disease, they waste everything trying to solve the mystery of Who is quicker in finding food?. Come on, we need greater things to be done, how can you burn money and human resources on such stupid issues!

A living mess

I'm a mess today. I don't know how to explain this twisted state of mind, but I'm full of feelings. I'm afraid, I'm nervous. I just want to quit. But quitting means treason.
I've been upset and anguished for a long time. However, it was today when I couldn't manage things. I couldn't control myself. I spoke in a rude way to one of my classmates, and even to one of my teachers. I was so far away from politeness. And I'm sorry. Were was my controller?
I really fight everyday against my big flaws. But on days like this, I really don't know how to handle everything. I've just escaped from one of my classes. The space was becoming so limited, my teacher's voice started to fade, and I was lost. I just wanted to cry. Desperately. But tears refused to appear.
I don't like being myself today.
Everyday I come to school wishing I were somewhere else.
I'm so tired.
I've lost so many things to reach to this point, and the only thing I want is to run. I just want to run nonstop.
"You are not so concentrated today", he said. "No", I replied. "OK", he concluded. The only thing he cared about was his class. I was not being myself. I'm a mess. And he only cared about my disturbance in the class. We all have bad days, we are all human beings. Please switch off your teacher's alarm for a moment. Put away that mask. Help us to enjoy. Show us the way. We are all adults, but we are also a sensitive group. We need to be embraced with caring attitudes. I urgently need someone to tell me I'm not useless. I need someone to refute my thesis statement, as convincing as to make me change my mind.
Help me. I'm feeling at the edge of falling down into a black hole.
My classmates are my pillars, but today I'm feeling lonely. Having my pillars is not helping me. I don't know exactly what I need, however, I know I need something, right now.
I'm sorry again. I don't like feeling this way. I know that what I need is inside me, but I cannot find the strength to look for it. Help me. Help me in my encounter with a more positive view of my future.
I don't like being myself today. I know I'm wasting time. I should be enjoying the moment as I enjoyed my fifth year at secondary school. I can't do it. What's more, at this point of desperation, one feeling is added: FEAR, the same one I've always felt when I knew for sure that I would regret about not having enjoyed something. This moment will disappear, and I really need to enjoy it now while I'm living, when I'm healthy, and when I have time to do it.

Untitled

Sadness.
Anguish.
I feel the emptyness as a roaring tiger.
Missing things,
Missing people,
Deceiving myself.
Self betrayal.
Unfulfilled expectations.
Too many things left behind,
Too many people abandoned,
Everything for my own sake.
And now this hole.
This infinite black space.
It's too much,
It's just too much.
Every day is a burden,
Every hour is a different fight,
Against my will,
Against my fears.
At this point words are not enough.
I'm on a rollercoaster.
I want to get down,
from this never ending trip...
Just one step away,
Everything is different.
Every face becomes unknown.
Years devoted to try,
Try harder,
and try over and over again.
I'm just one step away from the finishing line,
And I wonder,
What will I find
When my moment comes,
And I have to jump from the cliff.

Is the good life killing you?

http://women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/women/the_way_we_live/article2287520.ece

Reading Report 28

Title: Is the good life killing you?
Source: http://women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/women/the_way_we_live/article2287520.ece
Date: August 26, 2007

Vocabulary:
Booze: to drink alcohol, esp. to excess
Sloth: habitual disinclination to exertion; indolence; laziness
Womb: the uterus of the human female and certain higher mammals
Lavish: using or giving in great amounts; prodigal
Gooey: like or covered with goo; sticky; viscid
Foodie: a person keenly interested in food, esp. in eating or cooking
Scoff: an expression of mockery, derision, doubt, or derisive scorn
Tipple: to drink (intoxicating liquor), esp. repeatedly, in small quantities
Teetotallers: One who abstains completely from alcoholic beverages
Chute: an inclined channel, as a trough, tube, or shaft, for conveying water, grain, coal, etc., to a lower level.
Smear: to spread or daub (an oily, greasy, viscous, or wet substance) on or over something


Summary:
This article is a detailed description of all the things we may do every day which are potentially dangerous for our health.
It starts with a close relationship between food, obesity and cancer, then goes on with alcohol, sloth, sun, and sex. The more you do in your life, the higher your possibilities to suffer from many types of cancer.

Personal Reaction:
My personal reaction might be explained in many words. However, I was so upset for such pesimistic point of view, that I really wanted to kill the writer.
If we had to take into account every single thing which is mentioned here, my friends and me should be dead by now. Come on! We might die even while walking, and this doesn’t mean that we are not going to walk anymore. We might slip in our bathtub and die of five shots in our head, but this doesn’t mean that we are not going to take a bath anymore. I really hate this type of articles, as well as those e-mailing chains warning us about all the dreadful things we might suffer if we just decide to live our lives.
At the moment, I prefer not to write anymore, just in case I suffer from a finger cancer for typing too much.

The maladies of affluence

http://www.economist.com/world/international/displaystory.cfm?story_id=9616897

Reading Report 27

Title: The maladies of affluence
Source: http://www.economist.com/world/international/displaystory.cfm?story_id=9616897
Date: Aug 9th 2007

Vocabulary:
Maladies: any disorder or disease of the body, esp. one that is chronic or deepseated
Heapes: A group of things placed or thrown, one on top of the other
Lurid: gruesome; horrible; revolting
Ailments: A physical or mental disorder, especially a mild illness
Bears down: to press or weigh down
Endowment: Funds or property donated to an institution, individual, or group as a source of income
Levelled off: to become stable; reach a constant or limit
Swiggers: to drink heartily or greedily
Inoculate: to implant (a disease agent or antigen) in a person, animal, or plant to produce a disease for study or to stimulate disease resistance

Summary:
Since the 1600s rich countries have been infecting poor ones. From the times of colonisation, poor countries have been suffering from different diseases which were brought by people coming from richer environments.
Chronic diseases kill more people than infectious ones. The heart attack death rate is one example. More people die from heart attacks than some other infectious diseases like HIV/AIDS and malaria put together. However for the last decades, the average life expectancy has been raised from 50 to 65 years of age due to the health care programmes and investments.

Personal Reaction:
I think that in our rushing times we are more likely to have an unhealthy diet. We are becoming accustomed to eating more junk food and faster than ever. We are not taking care of our long term health, which means that we don’t care much about suffering from aheart disease down the line.
I believe that it’s not just a matter of blaming others for our own faults. In other words, I partly agree with the article. It’s true that in the early stages of colonialisation, the newcomers brought many diseases with them which were not part of our systems, but, I don’t think that they can still be blamed for the bad choices we make in our eating habits.
Heart diseases are not taken seriously. The bad part is that it is a silent killer. Most of the people suffering from disbalance in their bodies, don’t realize about it until it is too late. The same happens with diabetes. Diabetic patients don’t know that they suffer from it until they have to follow a strict treatment to manage their problems. Even when they know about it, they seem to be reluctant to take special care of themselves. I know many people who suffer from diabetes, but they just seem not to care much about it. They are grown ups behaving as childs, hiding themselves to eat sweets or highly dangerous food.
Everything is a matter of attitude. In my personal case, I’m overweight, and I know that it is quite unhealthy, but whenever I’m asked for a blood test, doctor find that I’m a perfectly healthy fat girl. My levels in everything are near the lower numbers in the scales of health. That is why they are all the time asking me why is it that I don’t lose weight. The answer is as simple as painful. I hate exercising.

Meanness

I used to think that families fighting over money was something that happened to others. Nowadays, I have to recognize that it's a disease that has recently touched mine.
Some years ago, my father's father lost his sight. At the beginning we thought he was not completely blind, because he could manage to do some things which required sight. Out of his blindness, he started to behave in a violent way. At that moment, his doctors recommended giving him some pills to calm him. My aunt refused categorically. Then, my father and my uncle suggested to bring him to a place where he could receive the special attention he needed, but my aunt refused again, and offered herself to look after him.
Things were good, until the house where my grandfather used to live was sold last year. The money they got for the sale, was divided into four equal parts, one for the father, one for each brother, and one for the sister. When they made such division, my father agreed with his siblings to leave my grandfather's part untouched, until they decide to admit him in a good resting place which might demand more money than the full amount of his pension.
This agreement was great. My grandfather was still living with my aunt, and nobody complained about it.
Out of greed, nonsense, or whatever reason I don't care much at this point, my aunt came one day this year, gathered her brothers, and informed them that she had spent all her money, plus my grandfather's money. My uncle wanted to kill her, because he was counting with that money for the moment his father passes away. My father was shocked, and started worrying about his father's future.
When I learnt about this woman's deed, I told my mother that from then on, was a matter of time the moment in which her father would become an impossible burden in her life.
Sadly, only four months have passed, and last weekend my father's sister called him to say that she is suffering high blood pressure and she cannot have her father with her anymore. What's worse, my aunt said that my grandfather should be put in an institution here in Tucumán (she lives in Santiago del Estero) because she is moving to Buenos Aires to live with her oldest son.
Are you kidding me? How can you be such an awful person? My God!
She spent every single cent of my grandfather's fund, and now she simply flees?
The worst part is that my father is the only one who succeeded in having a life, which is why, as always happens, the one who never bothered others, the self-sufficient one, is that who has to take care of everything when things go wrong.
At this point, I only hope that my father's health is not put into any type of risk, or else, I don't know what am I capable of doing.
I've been taught that whenever I choose to do something or not do anything, I have to be responsible enough as to carry on with the unseen consequences that all that may have. That is why I don't understand this woman's reaction. What's more, I cannot understand why she sends me messages saying that her house's doors are fully opened for me if she is being such a bitch with my father, and was worse with me last year in relation to other issues which are too long to mention at this moment.
I suffered a lot with my mother's family because of their meanness, that's why I don't care about them, in fact I don't consider them part of my family anymore. Apparently, to avoid being hurt again, I will have to do the same with my father's family. And I wonder why do they have to be like that? Why should I build a shell around my loved ones to protect ourselves? We are family for Christ's sake! Why are you being such a pain in the ass?