My ups, downs and upside downs

Some days I feel I can reach whatever I want, and actually doing it fills me with pleasure and satisfaction. During those few days I'm powerful. I'm happy for finally having found my path after so many years. I'm one hundred percent sure that teaching was, is, and will always be my destiny. I experience confidence in my teaching practise. I don't leave space to doubts and hesitation in my decisions.

However, for some time, since I started my fourth year, I've been having many doubts. I started thinking that I was not good enough. That I wouldn't be able to teach anyone. I started wondering how is it that I'm in my studies' last step. Failing almost every assignment I had to hand in for my language classes lead me to the big question of: How much (or how little) do I know?

Nowadays, I'm feeling also quite frustrated due to my resignation to the teaching job I had, which is actually the topic for a whole new entry.

I'm feeling blue, I'm feeling down. Even when I try to manage my sadness, at some point, I start feeling restless, impotent and with a huge urgency to cry in despair.

For some time I can also experience different feelings. It's not a clear-cut distinction between feeling greatly up and feeling extremely down. I also have my few upside down moments, in which the huge mixture of my own sentimental roller coaster is absolutely overwhelming.

During those days, I cannot make up my mind, because I feel confused to the limits. I have the sensation of being in a train that doesn't want to stop, where I can see everyone but not look closely at anyone. During those days, I generally feel that I'm in a hurry. I don't have time to spare. I don't have the right to waste my time.

My upside downs mean that I'm less tolerant than ever, I'm not patient with people. I start thinking that I'm only good at treating children and teenagers. Adults become a mysterious thing I cannot neither manage not stand with. For example, at home, I cannot stand looking at my husband, but I'm in great terms with my son. At work, I used to be quite relaxed and calmed with my students, but I couldn't talk to any grown-up, not even in friendly and shallow way.

The worst problem here is that I still don't know who I can blame because of these sudden changes in my mood. Sometimes, I know that the environment may be a powerful instrument to change my state of mind. Some others, people's social insanity drives me mad. But on some occasions, when I'm completely and absolutely clueless, I can only blame my hormones and try to spend my time doing positive things which might divert my attention from the unpleasant state of mind in which I am.