Some of my onion layers

I'm not a perfect person, I'm full of flaws, but I'm always trying to keep away my bad side, to avoid affecting people around me. I know that sometimes I can be a really harmful person, but honestly...I don't mean it. I'm sorry if I hurt or bother you without noticing it.
Since I was more or less thirteen years old, I denied myself the possibility of being in good terms with people. I had my close friends, of course, but I wasn’t a common lovable person. A really sad event in my family made me believe that I was worthless to the world. That’s why I used to think that if the world didn’t care about me, why should I care about the world?
My parents would always say: “Be careful with what people can think about you, be very careful with the image you give to the world”
I don’t know if it was due to resentment or what, but I’ve always done the opposite. In fact, when I got pregnant, the least thing I cared about was ‘what would people say.’
This year, maybe because it is my last year (I hope) at Teacher Training College, I've been trying to be in harmony with everyone around me, and I found out how difficult that can be. I cannot say which the thing that made a ‘click’ on me was. However, I have to recognize that until last year, I didn't care much about being OK with everyone.
Nowadays… it has become a must in my life.
I don't want to be misunderstood, I don't want to be in troubles I don't make, I don't like being in the twister's eye. Nevertheless, no matter how hard I push myself to achieve that, I always end up participating in conflicts in which I'm not the only one to be blamed. I've always thought that in every problem in which more than one person are involved, no matter their degrees of guilt, both parts share faults. One for doing something that might hurt the other, and the other for giving the space and opportunity to be hurt.
As I said, this year I'm different, and this is maybe because I've learnt that sometimes I've been so concentrated in victimizing myself, that I didn't take into account which were my own faults in every sad thing someone else provoked. Also, because I strongly believe that by feeling in that way, you may not be focused enough to know that your bad attitudes may diminish in many ways the degree of harm others might have caused before.
I'm too critical with myself in every aspects of my life, and because of that, other people’s destructive critics might strengthen my own constructive ones. Although when someone says something which is not well backed up by a coherent attitude, I just don't care.
All of us carry our own burdens, but this doesn't mean that we are entitled with the right to hurt others due to our depression, sadness, lack of self-esteem or any other negative state. We have to be very careful with the way, and with whom we release our nervous tension. In my case, for example, when I have some problems at home, I might be quieter at school, meaning that I'm not as talkative as usual. I don't remember answering rudely to one of my classmates due to the "issues" I carry from home.
In every place I am, I do the same. In other words, if I'm angry with you, I'll show my anger to you, not to others. If I'm not angry with you, I might look for you to lean my head in your shoulder and stay calm.
Again, I'm not perfect, I'm full of flaws, but I never blame others for the things I didn't do, or the frustration I may feel for whatever reason. I'm not that kind of person. That's why I don't understand people who are insanely angry with me, but cannot say why.
Most of the times, if not always, anger is provoked by something specific, so, you cannot say that you don't know why you are angry with someone. It’s possible that you may not remember the reason, but the plain fact is that there's always one.
People who really give themselves the chance to know the real me, realize that I'm an unconditional friend who is twenty-four-seven willing to help. However, I accept that sometimes I'm not an easygoing person. I also admit that I frequently speak more than I should, or do things which produce certain types of damage in someone else's heart without intention. Nonetheless, I don't have problems when I have to agree with somebody's complaints and humbly say "I'm sorry". For this reason, if I ask you forgiveness and your answer is sending me to hell, please, don't blame me for going to hell, and not coming back to keep on walking with you side by side.
It’s not only the wounds I carry the ones that hurt. It’s when someone I care is suffering when I can’t stand with people’s meanness.
I’m not mean, and I don’t like someone else making me look as a mean person. I’m fighting with my inner self trying to be a better person, please don’t make me think that this rotten world doesn’t worth the effort.
You know... I'm like this. I write nonsense sometimes. It may not be easy for people to understand my writing. The thing is that I don't know if it is that important describing situations literally as they are. I embrace the hope that makes me believe that the ones involved in my descriptions will understand.
Sometimes I'm afraid of hurting someone else’s feelings. This blog is my space of reflection. I don't have to put everyone on the spot, do I? Is it fair that I do such thing due to my problems in dealing with them? I don’t think so. Lest the ones fully described don’t know a word in English. In which case I’m not hurting them…they just don’t know how I feel.