Pure frustration

I'm 28 years old and after trying to understand my mother since I can remember, I feel an absolute frustration, similar to the ones who have failed many times the same exam might feel.

I still remember quite vividly the insane rage that she used to show us, whenever she found out that we had lied to her about something. For example, once I received a "flying" bronze ash-tray because she discovered that I was in a different friend's house than the one I'd told her, and I couldn't make her understand that I actually was where I said, but I had to go to the other place to look for something I needed. Moreover, my older brother's "flying" object for lying, was a chair, luckyly enough, he was a sports boy and he could avoid being hit. That's why I don't understand why is it that she is teaching my son how to lie to me, or to hide things which are really important for me, as a mother, to know.

The whole thing puts me on my nerves! Sometimes I don´t know if I want to kill her or just ignore her for the rest of my life. Of course I'm fully aware of the fact that this Hyde's feeling is only a momentary thing, which might vanish in a matter of hours or days, but on several occasions I reached to the point of wondering why do I forgive her?.

The obvious answer is equally frustrating for being both, simple and unchangeable: "She is my mother".

This answer, as I already said is frustrating, because I cannot accept that a mother can be as incoherent as she is with her life, and with her family.

The only response to my questioning her about her behaviour with my son is: "I'm a grandmother now, you can't compare my life now, with the one I had when I was a mother"

I fully understand that she wants to spoil my son as every grandparent might want to spoil theirs, but what I don't accept is that she is trying to destroy the values of honesty and responsibility that I'm trying to build up in my son's mind.

The worst part is that I've finally discovered that sadly enough, I cannot discuss ANYTHING with her, because even if I make a humongous effort to use a "motherese" talk when explaining her my complaints, she always has an answer for everything and she doesn't care if I agree or not with her.

My most recurrent pray is: "Please God, help me not to care about her opinions and her destructive critics towards me". You may be asking yourself why? It is because she never, or almost never has a positive comment about my motherhood or my life, and even when I feel good for fighting every day to be the best in whatever I do, all my efforts are diminished by her comments. Most of the times I tend to be at the edge of depression due to her negative words.

I really hope that at one point in my life, soon, I'll be able to draw a line between things I have to listen, and things I don't have to listen from her. At this moment, I'm still fighting with myself to stop feeling useless because of her.